HERE I GO AGAIN...

Yes, I'm back into protest-mode (as if you hadn't guessed by now), and I suppose I'll make a fool of myself once again, but what the hell---being officially an "old fart" at 57, soon to be 58 in January---I figure I'm entitled already. After all, what's the point of being an adult if you can't act like an over-grown teenager? Besides, when you get old enough (around 80 or so), it's considered "cute". Like the Red Hat Ladies in their deliberately mis-matched purple outfits, us old hippies can strut our stuff and ENJOY the laughs from the "audience".
I'm serious. Who would consider a bunch of old farts in hippie costume a threat? Even Dubya can't be THAT stupid :=) Then again, I suppose he could. But THINK of it! Protest marches of decrepit old hippies in ill-fitting duds (like that joke about one's youthful "hourglass" figure---the sands having shifted in the meantime...), limping along with crutches, canes, wheelchairs, oxygen mask-ed, the tanks on a wheeled cart trundling behind as we all cackle at the top of our wheezy lungs "Hey, Hey, Dubya, SAY, How Many Kids Didja Kill Today!" (Slightly cribbed from the 60's "Hey, Hey LBJ..." chant of fond remembrance.) I mean, is that genius or what? Don't answer, it's merely a "rhetorical" question, folks.
There'll be ZILLIONS of us pretty soon, if the statistic about one Boomer hitting age 60 every minute is correct. We could have so much fun---"flipping the bird" at political leaders---freely using the F word---farting loudly with every step---some of us finding unexpected "gift-manure" leaking from our Depends Diapers as well---all the way to DC! If that's not prime-time TV, I don't know what else would qualify. We'd be THRICE as disgusting as we were back when, and get away with it. All that "gift-manure" could be collected after the parade and put to good use in people's gardens---or we could THROW the turds at the politicos, like we did in Chicago in 68. Can't you just PICTURE the chaos? Okay, so we'd probably all be dispatched to the glue factory afterward, but we'd have made a wickedly nasty "point". And "brevity IS the soul of wit", as they say. We're gonna probably all be ground up into Soylent Green anyhow, so why "go gently into that" NOT so "good night" (with apologies to Dylen Thomas---I think. I'm not senile enough yet to confuse him with Bob Dylen---although I HAVE forgotten how to spell, it seems...)
Come on, you old hippies/yippies, this might be our finest moment. If not, it'll take at least a WEEK to clean up the street after us...

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN...

This is how I feel about elections, and I'm sure a lot of YOU do as well. Yes, Shifra, there is an election every four years, but all we do is throw out the old crooks for NEW ones. Sigh. Worse, everybody seems to only want to punish the GOP, so those Republicans who AREN'T behind Bush will probably be flushed down the drain with the rest---leaving us with a bunch of career-Dems whose ideas are rather stale. Barak Obama looks good, but you KNOW if he tries to run the Dems will shoot him because they're all so hyped on Hillary. She might be good; I just can't stand her "it's coming to me" attitude. If Condi Rice runs, I'd rather vote for HER, regardless of this Bushwa mess. Or McCain, even. I gotta tell ya, it's hard to be EITHER Republican or Democrat these days! Look at all those candidates switching parties out West...
And it won't help them. Can ANYone honestly believe their shpiel? "I only switched because the GOP is too conservative now" sounds awfully similar to "I'll do ANYthing to be (re) elected". True, some may be telling the truth, except that waiting until the last possible moment to switch gives the appearance of an "avak"", as in "avak loshen hora", for example. To over-simplify,that's when you follow the halacha to the letter in order to be "spiritually" correct, but you know those three people can't keep a secret, either. The "dust of" an aveira, literally. It usually works; however, after all the "dust of" the GOP, I doubt everyone will fall for it.
That's the problem with politics, especially here. God is spelled "Show me the money". Who can afford it? Only those of "independent means", either having money oneself or having wealthy backers. Once elected, lobbies and Big Business (assuming one isn't a crook, which is vanishingly unlikely) will freely lard your "war-chest" so that contenders face almost certain defeat on the advertising level. Assuming one IS a crook then, (barring scandal) one can be elected virtually FOREVER. Besides, it's no secret that congressmen can become almost instant millionaires, what with all those fees for speaking, etc. And don't forget those famous Midnight Pay Raises. Who ELSE has the privilage of deciding their wages? Then there's that idiotic arguement about money equalling free-speech. Gee, I thought ALL our votes counted equally, but now that some of us seem to be MORE equal in proportion to our disposable income, I guess "We, the People" don't really count anymore. Adding in that wonderful 16th Amendment, which defined corporations as "people", too, well, how much DOES it take to have the best Congress money can buy?
Is Diebold a threat? Yes, but not the perfect monster the media implies. It doesn't surprise me in the least that voting machines can be hacked; I lived in NYC for eleven years, after all. With all those "poll volunteers" banging on the side of the machine after three minutes, and yelling "Hurry up", of COURSE all that jiggling would result in votes lost. But why not demand paper ballots? What law says ballots MUST be electronic? Many states have already passed Paper Ballot Only laws. Here in New Hampster, most of us still vote with #2 pencil on paper ballot, behind a red-white-&-Blue curtain tacked onto a flimsy wooden frame. Some towns even HAND-count their ballots, yet. If millions turned out to vote, demanding paper ballots, how easy would it be to fiddle with THAT mess of paper? Well, not counting all those "pregnant" chads, etc....
Okay, there are paper-shredders. I think Ollie North single-handedly gave the shredder companies their best advertising, in fact. And I know that a certain percentage of votes are ALWAYS "disqualified" for one reason or another. Election fraud goes back to the founding of our nation---when George Washington and his opponent both made sure to keep those rum barrels flowing at the polls. Good reason for women not voting then; we DID tend to spoil all the fun for the guys after 1920. Still, the less people who vote make it EASY for voter-fraud, because who CARES nowadays? All "We the People" seem to do is complain that our votes don't count yet, with so few voting, every ONE of those who do vote can count as TEN votes, or more. It's simple math, really.
And if millions turn out? So much the better! The quality of our candidates has seriously dropped since voting fell off recently (no, I don't think it has anything to do with those dropping SAT scores, at least not VERY much). Candidates don't have to work hard for votes, as only the party faithful will turn out, so why should they care about what the REST of us think? A lot of this mess is our fault; we just sat back and let it all happen. Oh sure, we made some noise, but nothing like the protests in the 60s. At this point, Dubya HAS his "Enabling Act". If we don't get off our collective "fat tush" to vote, then we're done. Freedom, as one blog put it, is FAR more than being allowed to download porn and @#$% over the internet. Orwell's 1984 had that; the "proles" were kept in line by having plenty of "free" access to porn, beer, and "pop" music. Sort of the modern equivalent to Rome's "bread and circus" entertainment, except we don't throw Christians to the lions anymore.
Believe me, I WANT to be wrong on this! I'm hoping people will finally "wake-up" after all we've been through. Unfortunately, from what I see thus far it's not gonna happen. Are we so willfully blind as to REFUSE to confront reality? Yes, I'm afraid we are.

See You At Gitmo...

Well, I guess the FBI will be coming for me, now that anyone who criticizes Bush is automatically considered an "enemy combatant". Don't laugh---a citizen who quietly told Cheney that the "policies in Iraq are reprehensible", then walked away, was apprehended by Secret Service (SS?)agents who demanded if he "assaulted the vice-president". Imagine, now mere WORDS are taken as physical attack.
So what's next? All the nasty stuff predicted by PrisonPlanet.Com? You know, those "wacko" conspiracy "nuts" who've been warning all along we'd finally come to this. Remember that movie Rush Limbaugh laughed at, the one where dissenting citizens were placed into concentration camps for being "leftist"? Yeah, I thought you would.
Sorry, folks, but this is no longer America. Bush said the Constitution "was just a goddamned piece of paper", and now it IS just that. Sure, they'll come after the "wacko peace nuts" and loud-mouthed war-protesters first---just like the Gestapo did in Nazi Germany. Remember that? Pastor Neimoller(sic)said it all back then. You know the quote, so I won't bore you by repeating it.
So now we wait. Oh, and that election coming up? Don't hold your breath. My generation was the loudest, tantrum-throwing, freedom-loving, radically political WHINERS ever. We were gonna save the world! And also drug ourselves to the gills during the "revolution". Well, we sure solved all the problems, didn't we. Clinton disgraced all of us with his adolescent behavior, for all his gifts as politition. Have ANY of us grown up, I wonder? We've already got ONE "child left-behind" playing commander-in-chief, already. Yeah, but he sure looked GOOD at Ground Zero, huh. At least Ronald Reagan could ACT.
Is all lost? I hope not, but I don't see any YOUNGER ones yelling in the streets like we did. We have a REASON to yell now, for God's sake. Our tantrums might MEAN something now, if we all weren't so fat and lazy to DO something! Like, maybe, VOTE? Hey, this could be the last election, folks. You don't wanna miss the LAST ONE, do you?
Boy, the sound of silence is really deafening...

Dubya Done "Enabled" Himself, all right...

Ah yes, Germany in 1933! Those heartwarming posters of Hitler and Hindenburgh together, with that endearing caption underneath---"In Your Heart You Know He's Right!" And those Germans sure DID, too. Adolf knew how to "whoop-ass", by golly! Didn't he look damn GOOD at those Nuremburg Rallies, shaking his fist at all those liberal wimps who'd "stabbed Germany in the back"? Oh yeah, HE knew the score. The only way to keep those Commie-Kikes from taking over was to burn the Reichstag and blame it on THEM. Once fair-minded Germans saw who the REAL enemy was, they got patriotic in a hurry. That Enabling Act was a stroke of pure genius, don't y'think? Got that Reichstag eating out of the palm of his hand, he did. With that stupid Weimar Constitution out of the way, Hitler was free to make Germany "uber alles" once again, and just EXTERMINATE all those traitors. Yep, those were the days...

Dayenu Already!

You know the song..."ilu, ilu hotzianu, hotzianu mi-mizrayim, hotzianu mi-mizrayim, Dayenu", etc. If God had only taken us out of Egypt, but hadn't [insert blessing here], it would have been enough. Well, it wasn't.
He's made a LOT of promises He hasn't kept yet. Sure, maybe Elijah's on his way, but he sure hasn't shown up at MY house---not even shikker (drunk, or is the proper Yiddish term "ge-shickt"?) Anyway, I think we ought to stop saying Dayenu and remind Him of why we drink those four (or five, depending on your tradition) cups of wine; namely, that He owes us those blessings we're thanking Him in advance for. Remember, we're really not supposed to have Isreal until Maschiach comes---except he seems to run on Jewish time and we couldn't wait, what with all the exterminations and where to put those Sho'a survivers.
Not that I'm looking forward to Ketz (the end of times)---especially as Christians and Muslims want into the act, God help us---but after two thousand years of Yushka, it might be nice to see the real thing. Of course, with our luck it might be Yushka, yet I'm sure he'll run for the nearest shul when he sees all those other "chosen people" coming toward him! Poor guy, he couldn't even get himself killed, he had to order Judas to betray him. Still, what a show! And none of it's true, naturally. Caiphas might have been Cohen Godol, but he still couldn't hold a trial at night, in his house, nor could he sentence anyone to death. The Romans appointed him as their toady, so who knows if he even had priestly yichus? And Pontius Pilate (obviously the ancestor of the same method), hah! What a make-over he got!
Frankly, if I'd been there, I'd have yelled for Bar-Abbas as well. What kind of Jews have a seder where the leader calls the matzoh his body, and the wine his blood? Nope, history it's not. I can't wait to read this new "gospel of Judas". Finally, we'll hear both sides. Such a coincidence---or is it the Finger of God (guess which one)?
At any rate, while I'm waiting for God to answer (probably by smiting me with lightning for my audacity), I think I'll have some compote. One thing about all that matzoh, it sure stops you up! Moses got it right when he called it the "bread of affliction". It's starting to "afflict" me already. Look what we do for You, God! And do we get any thanks? At least give us a call once and a while. You might have all the time in the world but, y'know, You should've known better (being Omniscient and all that) than to put those trees in Gan Eden, then tell poor Adam not to eat them. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a set-up...

Irshad Manji Has Guts!

Considering she's a Muslim woman who dresses as she pleases and says what she thinks, it's a wonder some imam hasn't put out a fatwa on her. I'm impressed by her courage! And I say "Right on, sister". All of us, Jews and Christians, must stand behind this young woman and express our support for her gutsy petition against the suppression of Muslim women.
Go to her webpage---muslimrefusnik.com---and sign that petition, please! It may help if you identify yourself as Jewish or Christian on the petition, too. For some reason, my browser won't respond when I push the send button, so that's why I'm writing this. I really feel her petition is vitally important, and even if you think the imams will just ignore it, sign it anyway. Enough signatures on that petition might open their eyes a little. They tend to think they speak for God, so let's tell them we think they're wrong! Irshad, thankfully, resides in Canada, grew up there, and argued with her Muslim teachers when they taught hatred for Jews. She must not be abandoned now that she's publically come out for women's rights. I am sooo sick of hearing our so-called leaders talk as though all Muslims are congenital idiots! She deserves our help.
I urge you to visit her website, read her book "The Trouble With Islam", and sign that petition. ASAP!

Bible Code? I Need A Crib Sheet!

We all do, I swear. I mean, what's the use of having all these commentaries when what we need aren't comments but solutions. Think about it----we use cheats playing computer games, so why not use them in real life, where we need the most help?
I know I need them, desperately. It's just our luck that life doesn't come with a user's manual, but the least God could have done was to provide one for the Bible. After all, it's been at least five thousand years and what with all the translations, differences of opinion (not only between Christians, Muslims and Jews, but within each group as well), I feel it's high time God provided some clarification.
Face it, does anyone really know what half the unkosher animals listed in Deuteronomy are? My Soncino one-volume edition of the Pentateuch suggests (suggests, mind you) that the so-called "rock badger" might be something like our modern Hylax, and the "coney" might not be related to our Rabbit at all (apologies to the Easter Bunny and all that). So, what do we have? An "immutable" document? Not likely, for all the protestations of Fundamentalist Christians and Orthodox Jews combined. Of course, we Jews are luckier in that we have Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ramalamadingdong, etc. Yet, even with Mishnah and Gemara (Talmud) we have a "user's manual" that seems to have been written more like a crossword puzzle (the NY Times one, naturally, which is the hardest) than a "how to" explanation of what God wants from us!
Is it so much to ask for a little elucidation here? Seems hardly fair to send anyone to gehinnom (hell, except that we believe it only lasts twelve months---and everyone's included) when the rules are so vague. We don't need much, actually, just a few jots and tittles explained.
The idea hit me as I was thrashing about, totally frustrated, playing Myst the other night, and I recalled the many websites offering cheats for it. Of course! Isn't life something like a game? And if religion is sooo important to God that He gave us The Rules, then doesn't He have a responsibility to provide updates? It's been, as I mentioned previously, something like five thousand years, and we haven't had any prophets since Malachi (sorry, Mohamed and Jesus, but this is a Jewish blog, after all). And where is Elijah when we really need him?
Let's all demand this Seder night, when we open the door for our ever-tardy Tishbite, that he take this need for clarification up to God Himself. That's assuming, mind you, that Elijah makes it to our seders. It has come to my attention that lately he's been drinking a bit too much of that wine cup at every seder table---and getting lost on his way back...