Dubya Done "Enabled" Himself, all right...

Ah yes, Germany in 1933! Those heartwarming posters of Hitler and Hindenburgh together, with that endearing caption underneath---"In Your Heart You Know He's Right!" And those Germans sure DID, too. Adolf knew how to "whoop-ass", by golly! Didn't he look damn GOOD at those Nuremburg Rallies, shaking his fist at all those liberal wimps who'd "stabbed Germany in the back"? Oh yeah, HE knew the score. The only way to keep those Commie-Kikes from taking over was to burn the Reichstag and blame it on THEM. Once fair-minded Germans saw who the REAL enemy was, they got patriotic in a hurry. That Enabling Act was a stroke of pure genius, don't y'think? Got that Reichstag eating out of the palm of his hand, he did. With that stupid Weimar Constitution out of the way, Hitler was free to make Germany "uber alles" once again, and just EXTERMINATE all those traitors. Yep, those were the days...

Dayenu Already!

You know the song..."ilu, ilu hotzianu, hotzianu mi-mizrayim, hotzianu mi-mizrayim, Dayenu", etc. If God had only taken us out of Egypt, but hadn't [insert blessing here], it would have been enough. Well, it wasn't.
He's made a LOT of promises He hasn't kept yet. Sure, maybe Elijah's on his way, but he sure hasn't shown up at MY house---not even shikker (drunk, or is the proper Yiddish term "ge-shickt"?) Anyway, I think we ought to stop saying Dayenu and remind Him of why we drink those four (or five, depending on your tradition) cups of wine; namely, that He owes us those blessings we're thanking Him in advance for. Remember, we're really not supposed to have Isreal until Maschiach comes---except he seems to run on Jewish time and we couldn't wait, what with all the exterminations and where to put those Sho'a survivers.
Not that I'm looking forward to Ketz (the end of times)---especially as Christians and Muslims want into the act, God help us---but after two thousand years of Yushka, it might be nice to see the real thing. Of course, with our luck it might be Yushka, yet I'm sure he'll run for the nearest shul when he sees all those other "chosen people" coming toward him! Poor guy, he couldn't even get himself killed, he had to order Judas to betray him. Still, what a show! And none of it's true, naturally. Caiphas might have been Cohen Godol, but he still couldn't hold a trial at night, in his house, nor could he sentence anyone to death. The Romans appointed him as their toady, so who knows if he even had priestly yichus? And Pontius Pilate (obviously the ancestor of the same method), hah! What a make-over he got!
Frankly, if I'd been there, I'd have yelled for Bar-Abbas as well. What kind of Jews have a seder where the leader calls the matzoh his body, and the wine his blood? Nope, history it's not. I can't wait to read this new "gospel of Judas". Finally, we'll hear both sides. Such a coincidence---or is it the Finger of God (guess which one)?
At any rate, while I'm waiting for God to answer (probably by smiting me with lightning for my audacity), I think I'll have some compote. One thing about all that matzoh, it sure stops you up! Moses got it right when he called it the "bread of affliction". It's starting to "afflict" me already. Look what we do for You, God! And do we get any thanks? At least give us a call once and a while. You might have all the time in the world but, y'know, You should've known better (being Omniscient and all that) than to put those trees in Gan Eden, then tell poor Adam not to eat them. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a set-up...

Irshad Manji Has Guts!

Considering she's a Muslim woman who dresses as she pleases and says what she thinks, it's a wonder some imam hasn't put out a fatwa on her. I'm impressed by her courage! And I say "Right on, sister". All of us, Jews and Christians, must stand behind this young woman and express our support for her gutsy petition against the suppression of Muslim women.
Go to her webpage---muslimrefusnik.com---and sign that petition, please! It may help if you identify yourself as Jewish or Christian on the petition, too. For some reason, my browser won't respond when I push the send button, so that's why I'm writing this. I really feel her petition is vitally important, and even if you think the imams will just ignore it, sign it anyway. Enough signatures on that petition might open their eyes a little. They tend to think they speak for God, so let's tell them we think they're wrong! Irshad, thankfully, resides in Canada, grew up there, and argued with her Muslim teachers when they taught hatred for Jews. She must not be abandoned now that she's publically come out for women's rights. I am sooo sick of hearing our so-called leaders talk as though all Muslims are congenital idiots! She deserves our help.
I urge you to visit her website, read her book "The Trouble With Islam", and sign that petition. ASAP!

Bible Code? I Need A Crib Sheet!

We all do, I swear. I mean, what's the use of having all these commentaries when what we need aren't comments but solutions. Think about it----we use cheats playing computer games, so why not use them in real life, where we need the most help?
I know I need them, desperately. It's just our luck that life doesn't come with a user's manual, but the least God could have done was to provide one for the Bible. After all, it's been at least five thousand years and what with all the translations, differences of opinion (not only between Christians, Muslims and Jews, but within each group as well), I feel it's high time God provided some clarification.
Face it, does anyone really know what half the unkosher animals listed in Deuteronomy are? My Soncino one-volume edition of the Pentateuch suggests (suggests, mind you) that the so-called "rock badger" might be something like our modern Hylax, and the "coney" might not be related to our Rabbit at all (apologies to the Easter Bunny and all that). So, what do we have? An "immutable" document? Not likely, for all the protestations of Fundamentalist Christians and Orthodox Jews combined. Of course, we Jews are luckier in that we have Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ramalamadingdong, etc. Yet, even with Mishnah and Gemara (Talmud) we have a "user's manual" that seems to have been written more like a crossword puzzle (the NY Times one, naturally, which is the hardest) than a "how to" explanation of what God wants from us!
Is it so much to ask for a little elucidation here? Seems hardly fair to send anyone to gehinnom (hell, except that we believe it only lasts twelve months---and everyone's included) when the rules are so vague. We don't need much, actually, just a few jots and tittles explained.
The idea hit me as I was thrashing about, totally frustrated, playing Myst the other night, and I recalled the many websites offering cheats for it. Of course! Isn't life something like a game? And if religion is sooo important to God that He gave us The Rules, then doesn't He have a responsibility to provide updates? It's been, as I mentioned previously, something like five thousand years, and we haven't had any prophets since Malachi (sorry, Mohamed and Jesus, but this is a Jewish blog, after all). And where is Elijah when we really need him?
Let's all demand this Seder night, when we open the door for our ever-tardy Tishbite, that he take this need for clarification up to God Himself. That's assuming, mind you, that Elijah makes it to our seders. It has come to my attention that lately he's been drinking a bit too much of that wine cup at every seder table---and getting lost on his way back...

Press Not Reporting GOOD About Iraq?

Sure, like when did you see this photo on TV? Or in the major newspapers? Oh, those big, bad Liberals must be lying about all the good this war has done for Iraq! We've given them radiation-poisoning from DU ("depleted" uranium bullets---as if that makes them safe), and a democratic (hah! That'll be the day) government, yada, yada, yada...
THIS photo is what we've given Iraq. This is what happens in war---no matter how "smart" your weapons are, or how good your intentions. There are websites with photos of what DU does to the unborn, and you should check them out before you huff and puff over all this "Bush-bashing" by the so-called "Liberal" media. How many times do you have to hear that these companies are owned by the same people who give you Fox News? And that wonderfully touching moment at last week's Town Meeting, when a woman asked Dubya why the press keeps printing only bad things about this war, and can't the government force these nasty Liberals to tell the truth. Oh, what a heart-warming moment, folks, when Bush said (in all "sincerity") that the press can't be forced to tell the truth.
Yeah, like hell they can't. Sounds to me like a call to patriotic Republicans to demand just that! You just know your elected representatives (always fearful of appearing "soft" on terrorism) will gladly cave in on that (not to mention the fact that elections are coming up). And I include Dems in the spineless category as well. Face it, this is what democracy does. The majority of fools gets the boob of their choice---so why are we soooo shocked that Iraqis fear majority rule? Because the majority just happens to be Shiites, when Sunnis held the reins under the Baathists? Of course, we wouldn't interfere with the majority's choice, now would we? Uh uh, we'd smile and point proudly to the fruits of our labors (and if you believe that, after all the political assassinations we've done since the 1960's, you need serious help)! Iran is next, people, so how could even a twit like Dubya allow Shiites to rule Iraq?
But I'm just an EVIL LIBERAL, I guess, so go ahead and believe all the lies you hear on Rush Limbaugh and Fox. Don't say you weren't warned, though.

A Dubai-ous Business

So, we now know what "Dubya" stands for---Dubai-ya! Never a dull moment with King George, I'll tell you. He's a lame duck who thinks he can still fly, and if he does we're all going to have to keep looking up, because when a bird @#$% over your head... Well, you city-folks know what I mean. And a duck is far bigger than a measly pidgeon.
He's already decided he has the right to do whatever he wants. What used to be called "Implied Powers" are now being titled "Inherent", this from the same party that hates interpreting the Constitution broadly---or so they say. I guess when it's your "Supremes" doing the interpreting it's okay, huh. Of course, it was dear old Ronnie who signed more Executive Orders during his presidency than any previous president (Democrat or Republican). Well, he only did it because he wanted smaller government, supposedly. You can't beat one-man rule for that. Dubai-ya's only taking it to the next logical level, really. Can you blame him? Why, after all, how's a president to do his job when Congress won't jump every time he snaps his fingers! I mean, we're in a war here, one that's likely to go on forever, and you can't wait for a bunch of gobbledeegook-mouthed pin-heads to debate on whether or not something's illegal, right?
Good old King George knows what to do. He's been appointed by God, you know. Why, if those unbelievers in Congress keep on blocking Dubai-ya, they're going to burn in hell. You don't disobey God's annointed, folks. Not if you want to be "raptured" when Geee-suuuz comes back to kick ass. Oh, yeah, just read those LEFT BEHIND books. God just delights in zapping sinners, and you don't want to be there when all those guts go flying as He laughs. Bush knows these are the End Times, people. He's going to do what a man's gotta do, by God. Where is Lee Harvey Oswald when we really need him?

No Child Left Behind,Huh?

Frankly, I can almost believe Dubya was a "a child left behind". Sigh. Maybe Andrew Jackson was semi-literate, but Bush seems downright moronic. Cunning he has, thank God. He knows how to make himself look "presidential", and he knows how to talk tough, at least---except it takes a lot more to lead than simple cunning. I will give him credit for stalling on this deal, though. That, however how smart, was merely cunning, even if he manages to win. In this game winning isn't always everything. If Dubai is allowed to handle our ports, no matter how good a job they do, this deal will have set a terrible precedent. What will be for sale next? Our airline terminals, train and bus stations...? Then what?
Call me an alarmist if you wish, but we already have a president who believes "Commander-In-Chief" means he's in command of Congress, the Supreme Court, and every civilian in this country. He's shown that belief by his actions, if not in words. He's said the Constitution is "nothing but a ...piece of paper." He's joked that he "wouldn't mind a dictatorship---as long as [he is] the dictator". Can we continue to trust this man? I think not. Were it not for 9/11, he never would have been reelected. From the start he was an arrogant fool, stumbling along from day to day, too stubborn to admit he'd made mistakes, and he hasn't changed. It's often said that "Crises Make Great Presidents", but Bush's only "greatness" thus far is his determination to smash his way through every obstacle, regardless of consequences. A Republican he might be, an elephant he's not. Ironically enough, his stubbornness equals that of a mule---the mascot of the Democrats! Maybe Dubya's a Republicrat? Sadly, it makes no difference as to political party, or beliefs, when a person is incompetant. Worse, a person who refuses to admit mistakes only makes more. If the Republicans cave in to this deal (and I don't trust the Dems, either), we'll have established something we've always bragged we never had. Instead of a "government of laws, not men", we'll have made Dubya the "law". At that point, folks, Congress and Supreme Court become mere rubber-stamps for whatever the pres and his advisors have decided. Do we really want that?