Dayenu Already!

You know the song..."ilu, ilu hotzianu, hotzianu mi-mizrayim, hotzianu mi-mizrayim, Dayenu", etc. If God had only taken us out of Egypt, but hadn't [insert blessing here], it would have been enough. Well, it wasn't.
He's made a LOT of promises He hasn't kept yet. Sure, maybe Elijah's on his way, but he sure hasn't shown up at MY house---not even shikker (drunk, or is the proper Yiddish term "ge-shickt"?) Anyway, I think we ought to stop saying Dayenu and remind Him of why we drink those four (or five, depending on your tradition) cups of wine; namely, that He owes us those blessings we're thanking Him in advance for. Remember, we're really not supposed to have Isreal until Maschiach comes---except he seems to run on Jewish time and we couldn't wait, what with all the exterminations and where to put those Sho'a survivers.
Not that I'm looking forward to Ketz (the end of times)---especially as Christians and Muslims want into the act, God help us---but after two thousand years of Yushka, it might be nice to see the real thing. Of course, with our luck it might be Yushka, yet I'm sure he'll run for the nearest shul when he sees all those other "chosen people" coming toward him! Poor guy, he couldn't even get himself killed, he had to order Judas to betray him. Still, what a show! And none of it's true, naturally. Caiphas might have been Cohen Godol, but he still couldn't hold a trial at night, in his house, nor could he sentence anyone to death. The Romans appointed him as their toady, so who knows if he even had priestly yichus? And Pontius Pilate (obviously the ancestor of the same method), hah! What a make-over he got!
Frankly, if I'd been there, I'd have yelled for Bar-Abbas as well. What kind of Jews have a seder where the leader calls the matzoh his body, and the wine his blood? Nope, history it's not. I can't wait to read this new "gospel of Judas". Finally, we'll hear both sides. Such a coincidence---or is it the Finger of God (guess which one)?
At any rate, while I'm waiting for God to answer (probably by smiting me with lightning for my audacity), I think I'll have some compote. One thing about all that matzoh, it sure stops you up! Moses got it right when he called it the "bread of affliction". It's starting to "afflict" me already. Look what we do for You, God! And do we get any thanks? At least give us a call once and a while. You might have all the time in the world but, y'know, You should've known better (being Omniscient and all that) than to put those trees in Gan Eden, then tell poor Adam not to eat them. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a set-up...

Irshad Manji Has Guts!

Considering she's a Muslim woman who dresses as she pleases and says what she thinks, it's a wonder some imam hasn't put out a fatwa on her. I'm impressed by her courage! And I say "Right on, sister". All of us, Jews and Christians, must stand behind this young woman and express our support for her gutsy petition against the suppression of Muslim women.
Go to her webpage---muslimrefusnik.com---and sign that petition, please! It may help if you identify yourself as Jewish or Christian on the petition, too. For some reason, my browser won't respond when I push the send button, so that's why I'm writing this. I really feel her petition is vitally important, and even if you think the imams will just ignore it, sign it anyway. Enough signatures on that petition might open their eyes a little. They tend to think they speak for God, so let's tell them we think they're wrong! Irshad, thankfully, resides in Canada, grew up there, and argued with her Muslim teachers when they taught hatred for Jews. She must not be abandoned now that she's publically come out for women's rights. I am sooo sick of hearing our so-called leaders talk as though all Muslims are congenital idiots! She deserves our help.
I urge you to visit her website, read her book "The Trouble With Islam", and sign that petition. ASAP!

Bible Code? I Need A Crib Sheet!

We all do, I swear. I mean, what's the use of having all these commentaries when what we need aren't comments but solutions. Think about it----we use cheats playing computer games, so why not use them in real life, where we need the most help?
I know I need them, desperately. It's just our luck that life doesn't come with a user's manual, but the least God could have done was to provide one for the Bible. After all, it's been at least five thousand years and what with all the translations, differences of opinion (not only between Christians, Muslims and Jews, but within each group as well), I feel it's high time God provided some clarification.
Face it, does anyone really know what half the unkosher animals listed in Deuteronomy are? My Soncino one-volume edition of the Pentateuch suggests (suggests, mind you) that the so-called "rock badger" might be something like our modern Hylax, and the "coney" might not be related to our Rabbit at all (apologies to the Easter Bunny and all that). So, what do we have? An "immutable" document? Not likely, for all the protestations of Fundamentalist Christians and Orthodox Jews combined. Of course, we Jews are luckier in that we have Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ramalamadingdong, etc. Yet, even with Mishnah and Gemara (Talmud) we have a "user's manual" that seems to have been written more like a crossword puzzle (the NY Times one, naturally, which is the hardest) than a "how to" explanation of what God wants from us!
Is it so much to ask for a little elucidation here? Seems hardly fair to send anyone to gehinnom (hell, except that we believe it only lasts twelve months---and everyone's included) when the rules are so vague. We don't need much, actually, just a few jots and tittles explained.
The idea hit me as I was thrashing about, totally frustrated, playing Myst the other night, and I recalled the many websites offering cheats for it. Of course! Isn't life something like a game? And if religion is sooo important to God that He gave us The Rules, then doesn't He have a responsibility to provide updates? It's been, as I mentioned previously, something like five thousand years, and we haven't had any prophets since Malachi (sorry, Mohamed and Jesus, but this is a Jewish blog, after all). And where is Elijah when we really need him?
Let's all demand this Seder night, when we open the door for our ever-tardy Tishbite, that he take this need for clarification up to God Himself. That's assuming, mind you, that Elijah makes it to our seders. It has come to my attention that lately he's been drinking a bit too much of that wine cup at every seder table---and getting lost on his way back...